Today's Toons 5/8/17

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This Thread Brought To You By The Letters C & L:

 
In Case You Missed It Dept.:
 
The University of California at Berkeley leftists threatened to riot again on Thursday when the campus conservatives demanded the right of free speech. It's been this way for years. California college campuses are gorgeous places that are full of people just waiting to be offended by something.
 
President Trump told GOP lawmakers they have the Congress and the White House now and they must start governing. They're like Jehovah's Witnesses who were invited into the living room and asked what they'd like to discuss. They said they didn't know because they'd never gotten this far.
 
Kim Jung Un claimed he has Taepo-dong Two missiles that can reach the United States. Kim forgot to mention he's only tested his short range Taepo-dong One missile, and it fizzled last week. If Kim Jung Un were anymore insecure about his dong, he would be driving around in a red Corvette.
 
Israel fired Patriot missiles to destroy a Hezbollah weapons site in Lebanon on Friday. Israeli troops battled Hamas militants in the West Bank. Hamas and Hezbollah are the only two political parties in history to be organized around the principle that sundown is an international Jewish plot.
 
The U.N. announced Tuesday Saudi Arabia has been named to the United Nations Commission on Women's Rights. You can't make it up. The On-Demand movies in Saudi hotel rooms only air Thelma and Louise for eight minutes because the Saudis refuse to show any images of women driving.
 
President Trump on Sunday praised Kim Jung Un's survival skill while coming to power and assessed the young dictator as a smart cookie. He gets smarter every day. Kim is still furious over a North Korea intelligence report which informed him that Dennis Roman was not President Obama.
 
President Trump gave the Democrats everything they wanted in a budget deal Sunday in order to avoid a U.S. government shutdown. How wise. If Lincoln had only thought of surrendering the moment South Carolina opened fire, he'd have served two full terms and then retired with a pension.
 
Republican voters ripped the GOP Congress, the GOP Senate and GOP president for agreeing to a budget deal that did not build a wall, or cut taxes, or cut funding to sanctuary cities and abortion clinics. There's only one explanation. Chuck Schumer spent all weekend reading The Art of the Deal.
 
The United Nations agreed to appoint a committee to address the outbreak of bloodshed that's plaguing the world this year with no end in sight. The human spirit can always be counted upon to come to the rescue. Syria and Iraq just volunteered to take in ten thousand refugees from Chicago.
 
Donald Trump said he's pondering a gas tax hike, a new stimulus package, a health care plan stronger than Obamacare, and a break-up of the Big Banks. You can't make it up. Republicans just realized they defeated a Tory Methodist Goldwater Girl in favor of a lifelong New York Democrat.
 
The South China Post reported that a young woman was kicked out of a chess tournament in Malaysia for wearing a seductive short skirt. The game's had a rough week. The Congressional Black Caucus just called for a boycott of all chess tournaments because white always gets to go first.
 
CBS Late Night host Steven Colbert ended his monologue with a vulgar rant against President Trump Monday. He stood his ground and let the obscenities fly. Is there anyone in the world more secure than a Frenchman screaming about a German while he's protected by a roomful of Americans?
 
FBI Director Jim Comey told the Senate it made him mildly nauseous to think his probe might have affected the presidential election. It didn't. Last year Hillary lost an election in which any idiot could have defeated Donald Trump, but Hillary Clinton showed the world that she's not just any idiot.
 
President Trump had a lengthy phone conversation with Russian president Vladimir Putin this week. It was partially successful. Trump and Putin agreed on the need to defeat ISIS in Syria and to de-nuclearize North Korea, but they're still squabbling over who gets custody of Mike Flynn.
 
-- Argus Hamilton
 
That's right, Putin talking to Trump. Even Obama was like, "Now THIS call I'm gonna wiretap! Get the popcorn out!"
 
President Trump canceled his White House Cinco de Mayo celebration. He made the decision after Mexico said they wouldn't pay for it.
 
-- Jimmy Fallon
 
Hillary Clinton today said that she is very aware of the "shortfalls" of her campaign that caused her to lose the election. Specifically, Short Falls, Michigan, and Short Falls, Wisconsin.
 
FBI Director James Comey testified before Congress today, and said that it makes him "mildly nauseous" to think that his actions might have affected the election. Of course, that might just be from all that time he spent looking at Anthony Weiner's laptop.
 
-- Seth Meyers